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  #1241  
Old 02-01-2019, 10:54 PM
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Son of Selhurst Son of Selhurst is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrissayy View Post
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”. The second cow replies “Well, good thing I‘m a helicopter”.
Original punchline was second cow says "Baa!" ?
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  #1242  
Old 03-01-2019, 06:52 AM
KYLIE MINEAGLE KYLIE MINEAGLE is offline
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Stop me if I have posted this before.

An ice cream seller was found dead in his van. He was covered in chocolate, raspberry syrup, nuts, and had a flake stuck in his ear.

Police think he topped himself.
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  #1243  
Old 03-01-2019, 08:47 AM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
About time we got this thread back on track

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”
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Old 03-01-2019, 08:50 AM
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BB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietBB Bob came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
A man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed.

On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." The man replies, "Darling, that's because they are sitting in your soup.”
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  #1245  
Old 03-01-2019, 04:24 PM
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si1965 si1965 is offline
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Juan works in a supermarket.

A man came in and asked Juan for half a pound of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 lb packets of butter, but the man was persistent.

The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

Juan walked into the back room and said, "There's a crazy ass fellow out there who wants to buy half a pound of butter."

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to Juan, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Where are you from?"

Juan replied, "I'm from Colombia, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Colombia?" asked the manager.

Juan replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players over there."

"My wife is from Colombia," the manager said.

"Oh" Juan replied, "Which team did she play for?"
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  #1246  
Old 04-01-2019, 05:13 PM
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mrgins mrgins is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coastal Palace View Post
Why was the Eskimo excited?
Inuit (he knew it) was Christmas.
Don’t give up your day job
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  #1247  
Old 09-01-2019, 08:07 PM
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Eastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietEastern Boy came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Bloke is touting for work on a farm. He has a chat with the farmer and is asked to plough a farm in 12 days, before the farmer considers taking him on.

He ploughs the field in 8 days.

The farmer comes out to inspect his work. He comments that whilst he has done a good piece of work, he's noticed a patch 6ft by 6ft which is unploughed.

"If it's ok with you, I'd like to leave that in memory of where I had my first sexual experience ".

Intrigued, the farmer says "first time eh, well what was it like?

The bloke replied "well it was all going ok until her mother caught us".

"******* hell" said the farmer, "what did her mother say?"

",Baa"!!
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  #1248  
Old 09-01-2019, 08:40 PM
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2 deaf blokes walk into a pub.
One goes and gets a seat while the other orders two pints. "That'll be £12 please." Says the barman. "£12!” says the deaf guy. "Why is it so expensive?" "We've got live music on tonight" says the barman. "Oh." says the deaf guy. "What kind of music is it? Is it some rock and roll?" "No, it's not rock and roll" "Is it some Jazz?" "No, it's not Jazz" "Is it some Pop?" "No, it's not pop." "Well what is it then?" asks the deaf guy. "It's some Country and Western." says the barman. The deaf guy goes back to the table where his friend is sitting. "It was £12 for two pints!" he says to his friend. "£12!!” says his friend. "Why is it so expensive?" "They've got live music on tonight" he replies. "Oh." says the friend. "What kind of music is it? Is it some rock and roll?" "No, it's not rock and roll" "Is it some Jazz?" "No, it's not Jazz" "Is it some Pop?" "No, it's not pop." "Well what is it then?" asks the friend.
"It's some **** from Westerham”
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  #1249  
Old 09-01-2019, 08:44 PM
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Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell

In a statement she said:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”
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  #1250  
Old 09-01-2019, 08:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SgtStryker View Post
2 deaf blokes walk into a pub.
One goes and gets a seat while the other orders two pints. "That'll be £12 please." Says the barman. "£12!” says the deaf guy. "Why is it so expensive?" "We've got live music on tonight" says the barman. "Oh." says the deaf guy. "What kind of music is it? Is it some rock and roll?" "No, it's not rock and roll" "Is it some Jazz?" "No, it's not Jazz" "Is it some Pop?" "No, it's not pop." "Well what is it then?" asks the deaf guy. "It's some Country and Western." says the barman. The deaf guy goes back to the table where his friend is sitting. "It was £12 for two pints!" he says to his friend. "£12!!” says his friend. "Why is it so expensive?" "They've got live music on tonight" he replies. "Oh." says the friend. "What kind of music is it? Is it some rock and roll?" "No, it's not rock and roll" "Is it some Jazz?" "No, it's not Jazz" "Is it some Pop?" "No, it's not pop." "Well what is it then?" asks the friend.
"It's some **** from Westerham”
The old ones are the...well, the oldest

And it’s Preston.
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  #1251  
Old 09-01-2019, 10:43 PM
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wedgetail wedgetail is offline
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West ham
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  #1252  
Old 10-01-2019, 09:16 AM
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rhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietrhiannapaul came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
I have just seen an incredibly loud Abba tribute in the shopping centre.
You could hear the drums from Nandos
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  #1253  
Old 13-01-2019, 08:27 PM
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Lords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy dietLords Eagle came here looking for the peace and quiet; the healthy air and the healthy diet
Quote:
Originally Posted by Son of Selhurst View Post
Original punchline was second cow says "Baa!" ?
I thought it was "Yes but itdoesn't affect us chickens much"
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Old 13-01-2019, 08:32 PM
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BELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mineBELTUP : if all you've got to do today is find peace of mind, come round, you can take a piece of mine
Sent my hearing aid away for repair over 3 weeks ago. Havnt heard a thing since.
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