God yeah and that Asian guy with the beard who's on every quiz show at the moment, not the big lad with the glasses and wonky eye, I like him, but the other one.

And Sue ******* Perkins, it's a complete mystery to me how she's managed to make a successful career as a comedian, I've literally never heard her say anything funny. I assume shes got to where she has through some sort of equal opportunities BBC policy.

Ok 'Day old cold pizza Cream' it is then

He was good in Shrek....

To be fair, buying the wrong Jif for your pancakes did leave a nasty taste...

I'm not sure any of these are actually trying to be funny, otherwise once in a while they might actually be funny, just by the law of averages

Mel and Sue have never been funny, they started off doing some kind of housewives daytime show then managed to get other presenting gigs but at no point have they every been considered as comedians. Not sure how they have fallen into that category as they are both ok presenters but not even slightly funny.

I think it's time to let go and move on.... :)

Getting served coffee with spillage in the saucer, making it impossible not to drip some on oneself.

Turning up on the wrong day to see the person who is supposed to be helping me avoid such things.

Not knowing how to make the mixcloud app work how I want it to.

The things I gave away, and the things I kept, at life-changing moments

Voicemail notifications when there isn't a voicemail

"Can you put everything that wants washing in the washing basket?"
"Yes, done it"
Next Day...
"Where's my shorts"
"I washed them"
"Aaargh...were they in the washing basket?"
"No"
:veryangry

No voicemail notifications when there is a fecking voicemail.

People who leave voicemails

Do your own washing ;)

Apparently if you don't leave a voicemail it wasn't that important...

I've said this before but saucers can **** off, what's the point?

Catching drips. But you have to do something with them afterwards.

I'd never noticed his pathetic role in the first goal before. This has been reignited

Well if we’re going to do it...

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2fgb0j

Wanker.

Fvcking pathetic. Just when I thought I was over it. . .

31 years of hurt.

Stop that **** from sweeping

Launch it down the ground ...

Against modern football

Trying to sell a flat at the very moment that the arse seems to have started falling out of the market.

P.S. Anyone want to buy a flat?

My Mrs eating my Caramac

Cow

Passwords.

******* work laptops/PC's wanting you to change your password every 3 months and asking for it to be a ridiculous concoction of letters, numbers and punctuation marks. Naturally, none of them expire at the same time meaning you are normally juggling 3 or 4 passwords at once which means you're more likely to ******* write the cunting things down.

IT CUNTS

:( I haven't had a Caramac for 40 years, that would seriously piss me off too.

I feel your pain Joe.

We are every month.

First letter of each word from part of a song lyric, alternate caps + underscore + year of song - when you are forced to change one, change all the others early so they all happen at the same time for next time.

:D Bletchley Park are on to you!

Land inclosures

Caramac. Mmmmmmmmmmm..........

Vegetable Fat (coconut, palm kernel, shea,sal,ilipe, kokum gurgi, mango kernel), Sugar, lactose (milk), Sweetened Condensed Skimmed milk, Skimmed milk Powder, butterfat (milk), Emulsifier sunflower lecithin; Treacle, Salt, Flavouring. May contain traces of wheat gluten.

Sounds lovely.

I’d love to know what the original recipe was that the accountants turned into this abomination of a ‘food’

I mean, surely no chef has ever said, ‘hey, let’s mix some coconut with palm kernels, add a pinch of shea, with some sal, maybe a spoonful of ilipe, topped with kokum gurgi sprinkles and a mango kernel jus, frothed with deconstructed milk - chefs ‘four ways’ - and fortified with extracts of sunflower, fermented with salted treacle extract.

And despite the supposed complete absence of wheat gluten from the ingredients, chef may have added them as an amuse-bouche.

You got that off the back of the wrapper didn't ya. Admit it, you have a cupboard full.

^^^ (Had)

Your fingers were too fast, I’ve edited the post into a proper rant.:)

And no, I got it off their website.

Two things here. 1) Caramac have a web site:eek: 2) You have got to get a life Blind :D

Been bugging me for a few days after watching the documentary 'Sid Vicious: Who killed Nancy?' and how it recalled a story of when Vicious put a noose around a cats head, and held it up until it died(shitting and pissing itself as it drew its final breath).

The programme continued with those that knew him telling other stories about him, tinged with underlying sadness that he died so young, the rock n roll 'legend' that he was.

So what annoys me, is how celebrity, makes us make excuses for the behaviour of some right horrible *****. If they were your ordinary Joe we would condemn without any excuses.

Torturing cats to death though probably was the price we had to pay to be exposed to the 'genius' that was Sid Vicious :rolleyes:

Rot in hell you piece of shit.

Indeed.

Investing hours watching The Durrell's on demand from the beginning of season 1 only to find that the most recent season 3 has suddenly been taken down when I sat down to watch the final 2 episodes. Fuming.

Save you watching, Mrs Durrell invites the Orthodox monks round for a gang bang, during which she does unspeakable things with an aubergine. Gerald is outed as a goat shagger, and Spiros is revealed to be a woman called Marge.

Spiro should’ve done his old lady in to the drink way back and steamed in!!

I knew all that because I read the books.

When you get asked to change one, change the others.

My consultancy invoice is in the mail.

Not reading ahead in threads.

Wild caught salmon may contain traces of wheat gluten. As far as lawyers are concerned.

No, but would you like to buy our house?

Ticketmaster. I tried to buy 2 seats at the O2. I found a block with 3 seats left in it. Wouldn't let me as it would leave a single. I tried to buy all three, it would let me as you can only have 2. I tried to find a customer services number. There isn't one, I tried to use the online form but as I don't have a booking number it wont accept it. I tweeted they refereed me back the the webpage I was already fighting with. WANKERS

Sounds rediculous!

I guess if you buy one it wouldn't let you then buy another one or two?

Or ours?

Nope I could buy one but then my voucher is used and invalid. So you buy one then it wont allow you to buy another !!!

Or mine?

He was selling a flat. Doubt he could afford Maz Towers in exchange.

A good search down the back of the sofa?

Never saw the point of Sid Vicious. He offered nothing really did he?

He promoted the sales of Evo Stik.

Mowing the lawn and before I start the mowers packed up so have done the back by strimmer and now have to do the front which is twice the size.

Pant wetters.

:D

I've already posted this but I need to vent again. BBC 1 not having a HD signal while the local news is being shown. It's twenty f*cling eighteen. Wankers.

Damp crotch?

I'm selling a petrol mower ;)

Image over substance is what he offered.

Malcolm McLaren wrecked the band he made happen, when he engineered the sacking of Glen Matlock and bringing in Vicious who he always wanted in the band. Infact, according to him, it was actually Vicious he wanted to be the lead singer instead of Rotten, but having met neither, he chose the wrong John, after a recommendation from his then girl friend Vivian Westwood.

Why is an HD signal so important for the local news?

You watch the local news?

Hello ******* 1985.

BBC have answered this, if you google this query.

It’s cost (involving numerous regions) versus priorities.

I’m sure they would like to speed up the process, but the licence fee gets spread increasingly thinly now.

Well no I don't. That's my f*ckng point. I just get a shitty red screen with irritating background noise and a fifteen minute countdown.

I want to see people’s bins not being emptied in the highest possible definition

Lazy parents that let their kids talk through films at the cinema

Should stick to radio 'bulletins'.

Jedward

The appearance of C*ntana in Soccer Aid - won't be watching

He just bragged about jumping in to the crowd as well. Froggy c*nt.

Hope Olly Murs breaks his neck.

Just Soccer Aid.

People that start a sentenced with 'So.'

I may have posted this previously. And rightly 'so.'

I don't care much for their kind.

Robbie Williams, C*ntona & Clattenburg all in the same place. That’s the Holy Trinity of *****om, no?

“If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Robbie Williams, Clattenburg & Cuntona, i'd shoot Cuntona twice”

If they and the other 'celebs' would just donate a minuscule percentage of their salary to the charities involved then we could be spared this nonsense.

You can read that statement two ways; either is correct

Agreed, but separate the man from the player, if he had come to SP from Leeds. Wow.

:D

No. Shit player, even bigger shitcunt.

Yeah you probably right. :D

Idiots that think they can bring in hand luggage big enough for a 2 week holiday and then moan when it won't fit in an over head locker. Twat.

Love Island. I don't watch it, I don't want to watch it nor do I want to hear about some slag who wants some bloke to blow his load inside her whilst using the programme as a platform to become a media whore.

Agree with this, airlines should start charging for excess luggage in the cabin and make hold luggage up to a certain weight free of charge. Would make for a more comfortable flight experience.

I've said it before but I'll say it again
......other people

Spot on. This hand luggage bollocks only started when the airlines started to charge for suitcases in the hold.

Teenage school girls screaming and shouting on public transport

Other people

Thirded.

I'd prefer to seperate his head from his body.

The BBVA bank in Coín who have decided that their queuing system would be improved by getting customers to take a ticket to show where they are in the queue...they then decided to further "improve" this system by having a seperate ticket for non BBVA customers. this meant that i waited 30 minutes in the branch to pay a bill from the town hall, a pyment which only took 3 minutes to do.....after i had lost any patience I had with the 5th person being seen ahead of me and taking me striding up to the counter demanding they take my payment.

And the cashier telling me to use their machine to pay it in..."The machine that hasn't worked for the last 3 days?" I asked. *****

Football players who roll their shorts up and strut about like they are the dog's bolloxs.

Waiting 33 minutes for ******* KFC and it's not even close. It's going to be 50 at least.

In 33 minutes they have put out less than 10 orders. How ******* hard is it ?

Headless chickens?