:supergrin::wallbash:

The next time someone says this to you punch them repeatedly in the face until you are both crying.

Why wait for them so say anything? :confused:

rabbit food

Him in pain, you in mocking laughter, as his blood runs down his boat. Maybe a quick toe flick under his eggs, just to put him in his place. Walk away with your head held high with more mocking.

the fact that you cant get a simple Cheese and Pickle or Egg Mayonnaise Sub from SUBWAY

That Hats aren't in fashion. Not your base ball caps but proper ones like in the 40's.

My son looked at me like I was a mental recently when I talked about his baseball cap, these days it's a "snapback" apparently:D

Surely that is only when it is worn back-to-front?

Either he is an idiot, or we are behind the times:D

Can I have that with extra chilli please Mick?

You are a proper geezer. Well played.

I know which option my money's on.

Subway = 💩

Fat women being labelled 'bubbly'

David Haye and Tony Bellew.

'Blobby'

^

Parents who dont bring their children to football training but say in the same message" they will be ok for the match tomorrow"
Thanks for putting yourself out.

Hangovers.

Having the house to yourself for a night, no kids to wake you up, no wife with a long list of jobs for you to do, just a lazy Saturday morning to have a lie in etc..........wake up at 7am!!!!

Simple solution to that. No train - No play

Knock one out and back to sleep in your own filth. Simples.

What do you think I did at 7:03?

Working on a Saturday.
Kitchen fitters that leave no access to service a boiler.
Kitchen fitters that completely box gas meters in.
Gas fitters that install ovens blocking doorways/fire escapes.
Landlords that expect you to lie on gas certificates to save them a few quid whilst putting your own neck on the line.

:jerkit: Pogba

As well as playing for the :jerkit:, his :jerkit:ish haircuts, his personal emoji and being an all round over rated :jerkit:.....the covering his mouth every time he says anything on the pitch is farking annoying. Don't want to hear or see what the :jerkit: has to say anyway.

:jerkit:

People who finish a statement with the word 'bosh'. Jamie Oliver wannabe c**ts.

Let's face it, anyone imitating that wanker has problems

exactly..but theyve killed of those little sandwich shops normally portuguese or italian owned that would give you tons of fillings...

there are not many options on the high street now

Mr Dyson's voice on the Dyson adverts.

"Yohan Cabaye played a sublime cross-field pass for his team-mate on the left of the area. The former Manchester United player chested down the ball and then struck a low, angled effort past keeper Ben Foster"

Why bring the wankers into it?

They taught him all he knows of course

Having your flight cancelled and an afternoon in the holiday inn. Lucky there's a pub next door...

I saw that... pissed me off also.

Parcelforce.

My parcel was meant to be delivered between 10-11am. At 12 I phoned depot, they said the driver is 5 mins away, apologised for hour delay. By 1pm... I phoned back they said they would put me on hold while they called the driver... they said he is turning into your road now... I walk out on to my drive... no van. I call back...
Parcelforce: He is stuck in traffic
Me: How can he be stuck in traffic, you just told me he is turning in to my road?
Parcelforce: Er, I'll call him again
***I'm put on hold****
Parcelforce: We hope to have it to you anytime from now to 6pm.

The prick that was supposed to be buying our flat. Spent the last few weeks telling us how keen he was to move in quickly so we have pushed everyone hard to get our purchase moving and today he's decided he doesn't want it.

*Update*

Manager phoned, the delivery time that i was sent by text was sent in error, it was always going to be a 6pm delivery. I asked why I was told the driver was...
A) 5mins away
B) Turning in to my street.

The managers reply blew me away... he said the guy I spoke to on the phone, had to "think on his feet" and "admittedly didn't do it well" Drivers don't have company mobiles, so when he put me on hold... he was probably asking a colleague what to say.

I admired the managers honesty.

People reversing out of their drive into the main road. Isn't it easier to reverse in?

Procrastination driving

It also contravenes the Highway Code.

I make the parents right!

....who trains on the day before a match? :)

I had to check this.

Rule 201
Do not reverse from a side road into a main road. When using a driveway, reverse in and drive out if you can.

From that, it's more advisory.

Cannot believe the amount of people I see do it. Why put yourself through that shit?

I prefer reversing out than in, but that may be because our drive is on a slight incline.

If you have a drive surely zooming out forwards is the point?

Up or down? Ours is slightly up.

Martin Tyler 'Aaaaannndd its liiiiiiiivvvvveeee'

Yes we know

Sky generally are sensationalist bellends.

The commentary on Bellew Haye was a joke. "We have a new superstar in heavyweight boxing!"

Er, no we don't. We have an average scouse cruiserweight who couldn't knock out a one legged man.

Tw&ts who run (or try to run but look completely fooking stupid) in the office. Another show of self importance.

Nothing is that important in a B2B company. Not a doctor or an emergency service....just a tw&t.

His next opponent is invincible

https://media.giphy.com/media/10M2ZnecwCMVGg/giphy.gif

Seeing Tara Stouts arse on the HOL homepage, its been there for weeks

remainers

Point taken, but I actually quite like him. I think it goes back to when he was commentating on the 2-1 win against Br*ghton in 1989 (the 5 penalties game), as when Wright scored that screamer from out near the left, he said something like "He had no right to even think about shooting from there, let alone scoring!"

I don't mind him that much to be fair. He rambles a bit nowadays

Crystal Palace chairman Steve Parish has rubbished reports that the club are in talks with Spurs about selling 24-year-old forward Wilfried Zaha. (Croydon Advertiser).

He is a winger!

Train driving turns over 450 miles long.

Ouch

People who drive with a silly dog on their lap , generally with it's head stuck out the drivers window.

Was brutal mate. Perth-Glasgow, Glasgow-Aberdeen, Aberdeen-Glasgow, Glasgow-Perth. Not helped by a broken rail near Dundee which subsequently destroyed any chance of a 20 minute rest before the train home.

You drove a train for 450 miles?

Yep. Mostly at high speed admittedly, but still quite unsafe in terms of extended concentration I thought. Most jobs on that route usually just entail perth-glasgow, glasgow-aberdeen, aberdeen-perth, or some variation of that.

Try driving a truck for 900 kms in a ten hour stint with only a 45 minute break.....wimp.

:D

Don't introduce your new fangled continental measurements in a bid to sound hard ;) Ive done lorry driving, you get a radio and everything. Plus you can stop when you need to.

And keeping up a quota of murdered french prostitutes

Not on an express run, 4.5 hours full on, stop 45 minutes, and then another 4.5 hours full on. And I had to steer, you lot just have to accelerate and brake

Yeah, dont get a lot of them up here. Quite a lot of sheep mind.

You make it sound so easy. I must be doing it wrong.

Sounds like it to me.

Hmm. Well thanks Maidstoned, thats me put in my place.

Beautiful scenery though :p

True. When it isn't pissing down or dark. Got inverness tomorrow, that is a pretty route.

No probs Casey Jones.:hi:

Celebrity Man Utd fan Stormzy. Born and bred in Thornton Heath but calls himself a cockney red. Ffs.

:)

"City currently being held by Stoke" when they're both called 'City'.

Indeed, just saw that on BBC website.

Up going away from the road. If it was the other way round, I'd probably reverse in.
I'd say 3/4 of people who park on it drive in forward.

Having Barcelona v PSG on in the background but on noticing that there's only 5 minutes to go with Barcelona needing 3 goals to go through I switch over to the Man City v Stoke. There the tedium plays out to its inevitable conclusion. Flick over to Sky News where an annoyingly enthusiastic sports reporter tells me that Barcelona won 6-1.

Bollocks. I missed Bayern's last 4 goals last night too when I thought that the match was dead after the penalty. Shows what a great judge of how a match is heading I am.

The new series of Catastrophe

I thought the train he was driving was 450 miles long.

"United currently being held by West Ham" when they're both called w@nkers

Another driving one... In America there are left turn lanes at signals, as I'm sure there are right turn lanes in The UK.

My annoyance is at people who do not enter the lane as soon as possible but sort of "drift " into the lane so their tails are still in the lane of vehicles going straight on until they are fully in the said left turn lane. This is especially frustrating when the lights are green for those going straight on.

This is one thing that has me leaning on my horn.

People that lean on their horn.

A little "parp" is sufficient.

Having stitches on your forehead. The annoying thing is the permanent marker the surgeon used to mark the area that 2 days later still hasnt come off!

So im currently walking round like i got pissed at a college party, fell asleep and my mates decided to draw on me

What did you Chez?

It was poetic license... I did just a "beep beep".

The Compulsory Drugs Testing unit arriving at work yesterday, avoiding the loo for the whole morning in order to provide a specimen (safe in the knowledge that I am clean), incurring the most painfully full bladder I have ever had...only to be told I am not needed.

Haha I don't miss those days one bit. Even worse was when you had to be a 'willy watcher'. WTAF looking back.

WTF - You had to have someone watching you piss? Surely that contravenes a human right of privacy?

This was never a thing was it?

Codeine, sure it helps my awful back pain but what my useless doctor didn't advise is how much it blocks you up. Just spent 15 long minutes producing my first turd since Monday and honestly you could play baseball with what has come out

Setting up a new phone

Yep, had the same too. Try and avoid it if poss (and co-codamol) because of such and go for the heavy stuff, Diazepam, Naproxen etc. I sympathise with you as back muscle spasms are God awful things.

Yes you do. And, unless drunk, I generally get stage fright! That's why I quite like drug testing days. If you can't go first time, they give you some water and sit you down until you are ready to go. I normally pick up a book - gives me time to read!

I had a bet with my GP that I could take 30mg co-codomol and a shit ton of diazepam at the same time for my back without being knocked out.

GP won

Yeah my doctor gave me those two as well. Sticking to them for a bit

military world innit

Diazepam is a great but highly addictive drug. It find it gives you the instant 6 pints of Stella feeling. I remember taking it once and just laid there on my back staring at the ceiling completely spaced out, but it's a great muscle relaxer. Hope it eases soon for you Chris.

Does that still go on or was it yesteryear?

I think I would get stage fright too with some cocker looking straight down at my old boy.