Posh lunch tomorrow. Just had my first shave in 4 months, only to find a f**k off massive spot in the middle of my chin!

West Ham & Watford winning

Do you know a mate of mine called Paul ,cos this is him you're talking about.

Tru dat

Doesnt matter because Norwich and Bournemouth keep losing anyway. I didnt mention Villa as theyre due 3 points today.

This is narcissism. Steer well clear unless you want the life sucked out of you.

They have fantastic ability to turn something you’re talking about into a story that relates to themselves. There was a relative of mine years ago who was like that, and so engrossed in his own world, his problems and telling them to me in a loud and animated fashion right into the night, that on occasion I would literally drop off momentarily...wake up with a startle and realise he hadn’t even noticed.

When bodies arent wrapped properly before being buried, they often attract bindweed

Palace

Some people, if they can’t hear you clearly through a face mask when you’re talking, lean in a bit and pull their face mask down under their mouth

Getting an email from Palace advertising Match Highlights CP v Villa.

People coming up to me and the band whilst we're practicing to tell us how good they were once and who they played with and what gear they've got.

Yep, deleted straight away

Hhm:D

Same. Anyone remember a few years back when they sent text messages out to fans saying hope you enjoyed your visit to selhurst after a particularly shite run of form and another bad defeat

Also got a message to say 1-0 to the South Londoners on Sunday, so was rather miffed two hours later to discover the score was 2-0 to the Midlanders!

I have extended highlights including drinks breaks if you're interested.

Maidstoned being right.

Not having extra hands growing out of my shoulders like apparently Mamadou Sakho has.

But he did get the bit about Bournemouth wrong...

:p

For now.....

Banksy being above the law and being celebrated for painting all over a train, LU almost apologetic that its was cleaned off and the cleaners being almost made to look stupid for doing it and him offered to come back to do more.

All the other graffiti artists out there basically do what you want as if it's alright for him why is it not alright for you.

This has annoyed me this week

Five substitutes. FFS we don't use 3 most of the time. Where are we going to get another two from. Roy won't even risk the u23s on the bench.

Forgive me for going a bit tie-dye, but I've got no problems with graffiti if it is done well. I object more to advertising than freedom of expression. I'd rather see decent artwork than some vulgar advert & slogan trying to get me to part with my skrillah. Now where are my joss sticks?

M Khan is bent.

That ******* dog that has been barking non-stop for the last ******* hour and its neglectful ******* twat owners.

Laces on trainers. Why are they so bloody long?

That feeling post Wanker games that you’ve been had...again.

GPD.

This, in multiplicate.

A mere flesh wound compared to the match day thread.

I wasn’t talking about Palace clever clogs. I was playing a certain group game involving a biscuit when someone took advantage in the moment and took cash out of my jeans strewn on the settee...not for the first time might I add.

We went to a small barbeque last night at a friend's place. My son and my friend's son are great friends and at 14/15 and we usually let them have a beer or cider as they've never had more than one. Events didn't follow the usual script this time :sleepy: Trying to placate a drunken, belligerent 14 year old who seemingly overnight acquired the strength of an ox tested the very limits of my patience on the long walk home. His mum usually calls him on a Saturday so I'm due a bucket load of grief in the next few hours for being a terrible dad :hmph:

Edit - Add the massively unjust hangover born of a mere 5 cans to my list of woes. I'm supposed to be digging out and replacing two fence posts in the garden today :sob:

Ruddy youngsters who don't social distance at all, believing they are totally immune from contracting the virus,forgetting the fact that they could pass the virus on to their parents, grandparents and others much older, and those in the vulnerable category.Totally ruddy irresponsible.I heard of a youngster remarking to an older gentleman that the virus was over:wallbash::wallbash: Beggars belief.:wallbash::wallbash:

You forgot the quotation marks you terrible fraud.

Stop talking to yourself, etc etc

Ouch - send your lad out and tell him to start digging. He will feel like **** at first but will soo sweat it out and be ready for a beer afterwards...... :)

You forgot to log in to your Wayne Lineker account.

Tell his mother that you had to drink excessively last night to teach him a lesson, to show him the unsightly, ghastly consequences of what alcohol does to a body. Leave out the argument bit on the way home last night, and definitely try to erase the memory of you beatboxing, old school style, and telling him that rap was better in the old days.

Then say something about the apple not falling far from the tree.

I did Martin, I actually did. His words...

"Why are you doing this to me?" :D

I made him a cup of tea and some toast, well we're out of bread so I used some pitta breads that I found in the freezer with some peanut butter. His words...

"So dry!" and I've just had...

"Do hangovers last the whole day?" :D I don't think he'll be doing that again for a very long time.

:D My beatboxing was the evening's highlight!

It wasn't actually an argument, it was more getting him to walk the right way home, a five minute walk took twenty minutes! My mate has just been round to borrow my carpet cleaner as his lad was sick on their one month old carpet. Apparently they'd sneaked a load of cider up into his room.

People that have absolutely no idea of the size of their car.
My old man once told me a story about Sterling Moss driving through a gap at 100mph with only 6inches to spare on eiither side of his car. Now I'm not expecting any motorist to copy that, but when you feel compelled to make sure that 6 inches is replaced by 5ft I would question your competancy.
I have just followed a car that broke every time a car came towards him, making exagerated swings to the left, even though there was ample room. Bloke was either incompetent, or a c**t.

He will remember it. The best lesson and you got your fence put up hopefully,so a win win.

The good news is that your son is perfectly normal. :)

Conversely, Chelsea tractor drivers who think your side of the road belongs to them.

I like the drivers who brake as they go through width restrictions cause they think depressing the break pedal makes their cars narrower.

Don't know if it's still there, but there was one of those width restrictions in Hayes Lane in Bromley by Ravensbourne school. (Just did a Google Maps look, and it looks like they have modified it - made wider). Anyway, my cousin lent me their car while they were on holiday, and I buzzed through the gap on the way home from the airport after dropping them off... I didn't quite make it, and ripped one of the wing mirrors off.

Cue a trip to Bristol Street Motors for a quick purchase of a new one, and some touch up paint.

I never told them what happened, but my cousin thanked me for fixing there wing mirror... apparently the glass was cracked before I smashed it, and miraculously now it wasn't cracked!

And to follow on from my earlier moan, decide to visit the dump before it closes. Some of you may know Jarvis Road, South Croydon. Vey narrow one way street, cars parked either side.
Turn into it to see a woman trying to reverse into a space on the drivers side. I'm estimating there would be 2ft either end of her car. Sit there why she tries 7 times to park. Then she gives up and notices a space further down the road on the passenger side. So she tries to give that one a go. Only problem is that it is significantly smaller than the one she has just failed to park in! If anything, a quick guestimate would lead me to believe the gap was actually smaller than her car.
Several failed attempts later she angrily waves me past whilst diagonally half in/half out of the space. Thanks- the only problem is my car is not capable of breathing in!! And I'm guessing neither could the Scaffolding Lorry behind me!
I'm walking everywhere for the rest of the w/e.

People who light bonfires at half five on a sunny evening when Im enjoying a pint in the garden , tossers .

Did you pop over and have a word about it?

People who enjoy a pint at half five on a sunny evening when Im enjoying lighting bonfires in the garden, tossers .

Feckin Argentinian commentators and Argentinian ESPN on a non-stop Bielsa wank-fest.

I suppose when your national team is a shadow of its former self and golden boy Messi doesn't win La Liga they have to find something to wank over.
*****

I’ve always found it interesting that Argentina appear to be the number one most hated footballing nation in South America. As opposed to the vastly more decorated Brazil.

Salman Rushdie.

I usually do it to make sure I don't hit anything.

It's because they cheat in a way that makes United look like Mother Theresa.

I love Argentina and Uruguay, but I don't like Brazil.
I'm not even remotely South American though, despite my swarthy, tanned appearance.

Banks that only open for half the time forcing people to queue as this somehow gives more protection against covid

A garden centre near me insists on customers pushing round a big fecking trolley, despite only wanting to buy something small, as they need to know how many people are in the shop :wallbash:
The answer was one fecking less :supergrin:

Ship wrecked survivors of the spanish armada? ;)

:D
I love a paella with my Guinness & spuds.

Slow down as you approach it, slowing down as you go through is pointless as you would have already hit something if you were going to.

I rag through them to impress/embarrass the car behind. And I don't use my mirrors anyway, so no loss if they smash off.

(If nicebutdim reads this post I can only apologise. It's not true!)

What tends to "Grate" me is being referred to as "Buddy" or "Bud".:wallbash::wallbash:

I think "champ" is more derogatory.

Especially when a kid of 21 calls you it.:veryangry

Shut your whore mouth.

If I call someone "champ" I'm either calling out one of my kids for giving us attitude, or I'm trying to escalate a situation with someone on the street. It's a risky move.

:D

Yes, depends on who's perspective, though.

Personally, I dislike Brasil more.

They are 'sing when you're winning fans'...

Well, the barra bravas that go week in and week out to the club games are obviously as passionate and crazy as any. But I am referring to the twonks that turn up at WC games and the like...no passion and indifferent when they lose. Fake euphorio and carnival celebration when they win.

Odd lot the Brasilians.

2002 Botofago vs Sau Paulo (I think)...maybe Botofago were leading the table. 10k fans in Maracana.

But your pundits and know-nothing commentators like them. Another one of the big sides.

Give me the headcases in Argentina

BBC.com football coverage and the La Liga.

It annoys me they make it so high profile. The football front page often has the Real Madrid or Barcelona game as the LEAD item while a Premier League game is actually still being played.

WTF is that all about..

Agreed - I think I may have called that out as a bugbear of mine too earlier in this topic. No doubt partly in response to all the little shits walking around in Barcelona and Madrid shirts. Similar thing happening also with Juventus. Glory hunting wankers.

More to the point being the British Broadcasting Corp. they might concentrate on teams other than the Premier league , before foreign ones, there are a lot out there.

The Guardian's obsession with birds' football is even worse.

Hadn't noticed their obsession with the Robins, Canaries, Magpies, Eagles. ;)

Don't get me started on the Throstles :veryangry

Or the chip eaters.

Another person moves into the neighbourhood with a yappy dog. F**k right off. Foxes, do your thing.

Cats shitting in your garden!

They don't shit in my garden.

Seagulls shitting all over your car , ******* things , just **** off

Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests.

They have their place and you are allowed to put one into a local body but do people not think they are taking the piss when their one request is actually in excess of 50 different questions, all requiring a significant data extract which in turn could require a significant amount of redaction?

The worst offenders seem to be those who think public bodies are inefficient or those that complain that public bodies take too long to execute their duties. Don't these people realise they are not helping?

Why is this a problem? I've got to effectively shut down COVID-19 response for a fortnight because the FOIA takes precedence. What a really good use of resources during a global pandemic and economic catastrophe.

Dear Averity

My good self has had this issue and it is darned annoying:wallbash::wallbash:
Used a product which smelt of citrus and this had little effect.Purchased "Doff Super" and it appeared to have done the trick as there was no excreta for a number of days but to my horror my good lady wife informed me today that there were 2 dollops on our pristine verdant grass and I threw my hands up in disgust whilst uttering some expletives.We do not have a 'Moggy' so it is someone's else's ruddy animal.:veryangry:veryangry:veryangry

You are a smelly, pirate hooker.

You shit on your own lawn? You filthy c~nt.

Someone ought to tell him it doesn't keep the foxes away. It's a myth.

Dear DaveCH

Foxes haven't caused us the grief as they could not possibly climb over the high fences.Definitely a white 'Moggi' as my good lady wife peered out of the window in the middle of the night and there was a white cat in the garden, it was easy to see in the dead of the night owing to it's colour.This cat IS the culprit:wallbash::wallbash: To whom this animal belongs I know not.:grrr:

New Trolley = Spag Horror.

" and ' in the same post, now its been mentioned a few times. Trying too hard.

Pricks who cannot be happy with the fact we have become an established premiership side

Dog owners (and yes I am one myself)
Due to Covid, I'm having to juggle our daughter 2 days a week as we felt we'd keep her off nursery until September at the earliest. As a result I walk our dog/daughter at 6.30am to avoid heat/parks getting too busy.
Today my daughter wanted to sit down (it's a large park, takes you 20 mins to walk round the outside) we were sat there talking and minding our own and we saw a dog walker approaching with 3 dogs instead of walking around us, they walked straight towards us and the dogs (who were off the lead) started barking and got ever closer to my daughter who got distressed. Juggling a child/dog isn't easy at the best of times, and those immortal words every ******* dog owner mutters "my dogs are pretty placid, they won't hurt her"

I gave it back and in no uncertain terms told them to get them away as you're upsetting my daughter, but of course i'm the bad guy and said if I couldn't look after my child/dog I shouldn't be at the park.

A broken dinner plate, a tube of superglue, an open bottle of nail polish remover, a cotton wool ball, and two sheets of kitchen towel paper... all on my nice oak stained and varnished desk... I think we know how this went!

Nah, It's doing no harm and he does not get out much.

Well he managed to get out 2 dollops on his pristine verdant grass.

I've seen a fox jumping over a similar sized fence in my garden, so the new "Trolley' is even more stupid than the previous versions. Dunno if it was the same one (fox, not BBSer) who kindly left a hollowed out hedgehog outside our back door.

Did you have SC round for a BBQ?

Sorry H, but..... :D

Dear West Country Boy

I am the "Trolley" of old, same chappie (Singular) not a "Cabal" as has been ludicrously alleged.My fences are somewhat 'north' of the one in the video and to this day my good self has not witnessed any fox leaping like a salmon and scaling such high structures.It is that ruddy white 'Moggy' which my good lady wife saw in the dead of night.:wallbash::wallbash:It has been suggested that I cut some rough branches from rose bushes and scatter them in the areas that keep being affected.Bloody nuisance.:grrr::grrr: