I moved into a flat years ago that was about a year old. Next door was a 400 year old church.

About 2 weeks later a letter came through the door from a guy upstairs asking everyone to sign a petition to stop the church ringing its bells - on Sunday mornings!

People moving to the country and moaning about the smell

I used to work at Brands Hatch, they had to limit use of the GP track due to one person who moved into a place and the garden backed onto the circuit, he complained about the noise and could be seen standing at his fence with a sound meter.

LOL

Mrs Km works at the local public school which has been there since early 50s. A few years back some houses were built on adjoining land. The school then got complaints about the noise kids were making at break time.

He better fall flat on his fat moon face.

And if he doesn't, what are you going to do about it?

AirPods seem to have this knack for gravitating towards any hole, crack or ledge.

Left one defied physics this morning to commit suicide off the platform of Lewisham DLR station, of which I was standing about 2 meters back from the edge.

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...9597653aac.jpg

I wouldn’t be able to get it to land there in 100 attempts, either. ******* thing. Naturally, I risked my life to jump in and retrieve it.

LOL, they've outdone themselves this weekend. The order for this Saturday is :

Premier League
Scottish Premiership
FA Cup
Championship
Club World Cup
Women's Super League
League One

Absolute dicks.

talksport advertising the game between Man United and Chelsea taking place tonight but omitting the fact it is a women’s game. This may well be of interest to fans of the women’s game but don’t try and trick people into listening

Have half a shandy then post illiterate nonsense on the BBS?

They need to keep the main straight and completely move to rest of the track towards the direction of Swanley down the hill onto one of the car parks field's.
Less houses and a new F1 track for London ... ebbsfleet and M25, M20 nearby, I'm always surprised Bernie didn't buy it and build it with his links to Biggin hill and the area.

JohnA, late of this parish, once got chinned in the Clifton for pointing this out to a local.

Ditto moving to the seaside and complaining about the smell of the seaweed in the summer

Pidster Gold !! :D

Give up drinking for an hour.

Anyone starting a post on LinkedIn with "so proud" or "so excited"........always skip them

Missing a tiny bit of hair when using your clippers, getting irritated by it whilst working, grabbing your clippers to get the final tuft, not realising the cover to make it a number 2 had fallen off so you end up leaving yourself with a bloody great bald patch on the side of your head

Yep, I've done that. Had to give myself a grade zero all over to even it up, which made my head cold and made me look a bit scary.

When you start wet shaving your head and accidentally scoop out a large section of scalp with your razor and end up having to walk around with a Paw Patrol plaster on and blood still leaking everywhere.

:lux::lux: Ross Kemp eat you heart out. #realmenusepawpatrol

Do Maidstoned's bestest Get Carter impression while slapping off a guilt ridden nonse dwarf whose head is bobbing up and down over my plums at sleepy time again..

:D luckily I bought a hat for the first time in 20 years a couple of weeks back so I've been wearing that. God bless walking from home

“Salah’s Egypt to face Mane’s Senegal in Afcon final”. Yeah, let’s sell it to the plastics.

The use of superlatives on Linkedin is more than just an annoyance - it must drive a lot of reasonable people away from the site completely.

If you read the match reports on the BBC, Mane has got Senegal to the finals singlehandedly.

MSE 0-0 SMS

Cheikh to smash in the winner in a shoot out.

surely people don't read posts on Linkedin? I mean FFS.

Just driven up m23 Lane discipline non existent
So frustrating

And at Roundabouts, idiots cutting across the lanes.

Tom Davis on the last leg, keeps going on about being from South London, yet presumably is a West Ham fan, tosser!

Sort of annoyed and pleased me in the same incident...

My wife was going to the local warehouse store (Costco), so I asked her to pick up a copy of the tax preparation software we use every year to do our taxes. It's $10 cheaper at this place than the office supply places. I also said I wanted the CD version, not the download version (they sell both). Don't ask, I'm just old fashioned.

Anyway she calls me from the store and tells me they only have the download version, and some store manager was helping her and telling her they have not had the CD version there for 3 years... which is bull shit, I've got it there for the last 3 years. I tell her to forget it, I will get it at the office supply store tomorrow.

After thinking about it, I relent and admit I need to get "with it" and go the download route. I call her back and tell her to get it anyway.

She just brought it home, and what do you know... it has a CD in the package... you can load the CD or download it.

Apparently the "store manager" didn't know what the **** he was talking about!

You sound surprised.

Jimmy Carr and his so called jokes about the Holocaust. Never could stand the smug git

Supposedly quality brand chocolates where the contents descriptions are printed on the bottom of the box you ******* idiots.

Valentine's Day?

I don't know much about him, but I did recently hear a podcast of him telling jokes... needs to go back to the 1970's!

He did a "show" in the US telling jokes about 9/11... I suspect he won't be asked back.

Yes, and no... I know I was right, so the guy lost all credibility with his comments.

I would like to think at least a manager had some decorum... it's not like he was selling used cars FFS!

His plastic face is looking stranger by the day..

BBC this morning "we'll soon be speaking to the culture secretary" off the telly goes..

Dominoes advert, I'm a fat **** who likes pizza, but they can **** right off the yodeling *****

Tesco's not delivering me any milk again..

You'll be fine again when you hear that Man Utd got knocked out of the FA Cup on pens..... :p

That post has the hallmark of being edited and updated at 4.50pm

Yes, I fancy a cup run this year, I couldn't bare us being beaten by the wankers again

Yep - drive it every day. Now it's 4 lanes, the third lane has now become the old middle lane. Get to 65 mph and stay there.

I just get in the inside lane and quietly undertake everyone.

Someone woke up grumpy :supergrin:

I love the swerve out from lane one, overtake and cut across their nose when returning. Only when the road is quiet though

Classic manoeuvre.

I'm just getting old and have less patience

An ex used to say Patience? That's what doctor's have..

Buying a match day for probably the first time since the fa cup final , ordering it on line and seeing the postman not deliver it again ….. with 5 hours to go until
Kick off

I over take them on the inside, looking at them as I do it.

Always best to keep eyes in front of you when overtaking.

I do that when it's busier, giving the wanker sign

You northerners are supposed to be friendlier :hi:

But Pete’s talking about undertaking. :D

Today's Guardian has:

Premier League (i.e. just one game- the Sean Dyche derby)
Bundesliga
Serie A
La Liga
Ligue 1
W"S"L
FA Cup (finally)
Scottish Premiership
League One
League Two
Scottish Championship
Scottish League One
Scottish League Two
AFCON

Im not overtaking, im undertaking. ;)

Shouldn't this be on the funeral thread?

You're just being embalmy

Didnt the journalists learn the holy AFCON is the biggest tournament in the football calendar recently?

Your indicators do not have syphilis

Shout out to the driver in the left hand lane who cut across the cars in the right hand lane waiting to turn right at the traffic lights.

"You've only gone and Cinched it"

“Pippy” Schofield….. why the feck doesn’t he get Holly Willloughby to read out the scripts of those godawful webuyanycar adverts. Surely getting caught out tupping a young male runner behind your wife’s back, is less embarrassing.

That 'Everywhere We Go' chant , it is ******* shit.

Probably should file this under "Only me"... and probably an American thing.

I don't recall the UK Highway Code for hand signals, but here if you are turning left the hand signal is to stretch you left arm out the drivers side window with an open palm facing forward. To signal turning right, obviously the driver cannot stick his right hand out the passenger side window, so the sign is to use your left arm out the drivers side window in a vertical bent at the elbow (Like the old red Indian "How" sign).

What I find odd (rather than annoying) is people riding bikes use this same "How" signal with their left hand when turning right. Whereas I (rightly or wrongly) just stick my right hand out when indicating that I'm turning right. I need to check out the highway code here to see who is correct.

Edit: Apparently depends on what state you are in... madness!

There are two ways to signal a right turn. The first, and most frequently used, is to simply extend your right arm out to your side – just as you would for a left turn, on the opposite side.

Some states do not allow this type of signal. Instead, to signal a right turn, extend your left arm out to the side and turn your arm up at a 90-degree angle. Whichever method you use, be sure to make the signal about 100 feet before turning, and leave your arm extended for about 3 seconds.

Cars have indicators, grandpa. Even really old ones have a lever flag you can switch..

BMW's and Audi's don't... Apparently

Along sames lines I was following a Mini Countryman the other day, and the break lights (which are also the turn signals) are in the shape of arrows. The one on the left points to the right, and the one on the right points to the left.

When behind the car making a left turn, the left side turn signal was flashing, but the arrow is pointing right.

Who the **** signed of on that little design feature... those crazy English!

Appears I'm not alone:

https://jalopnik.com/congratulations...ign-1847727385

That is because their drivers generate thought waves to all others on the road to let them know what they are going to do.

I'm having an annoyed day... Just trying to print some envelopes, and apparently (Google confirms) that Word is now cutting off the some of the return address due to some enforced margins.

You have to go through a "trick the system" performance to get it to not do this.

Don't get me started on the Envelope Mailing procedure.

Thing is this has worked just fine and well for all the years I've used it... software updating wankers.

I know they look like arrows but I always thought each side was half the Union Jack.

I think they are supposed to be half Union jacks

^^ (Both replies)... yes and no.

There is a Union Jack version:

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/...a033348a_m.jpg

But looks odd when being used as a turn signal:

https://twitter.com/TriTexan/status/...58autosize%3D1

They're BMWs

Idiots with dogs on long leads on busy shopping streets. Arseholes.

Idiots with dogs not on a lead that should be. Learn to control your ******* dog and change its name from 'Buddy' to something more apt

Oh and when the park is two minutes walk from your house don't take the car you lazy twat

Moved into a new gaff last week.
Changing name on electricity contract: 10 mins, no service interruption.
Changing name on water contract: 10 mins, no service interruption.
Changing name on gas contract: yep, you guessed it, 10 mins, no service interruption.
Changing name on internet/cable contract: 7 days and counting, no service.
Wankers.

Not sure if it's the same one but I passionately hate that "Team X get battered, everywhere they go, Team X get battered everywhere they go...." one.

You're not alone, really shit chant.

The phrase Frank Lampard's Everton - bet Everton fans like that they have been renamed - latest version today Borehamwood will play Frank Lampard's Everton in the 5th round

Commentators apologising for bad language at a football match.
Pathetic nonsense. If you don't like it, use the mute button.

Tbf they probably have to.

Heinz sauce bottles of the plastic variety which now have an extra layer of impenetrable clear plastic underneath the initial white tear-off disc.

Epson website password requirement... just so I can order more of their stupidly expensive ink.

Made me come up with a new password which has a minimum length is 6 characters. The password should contain a number, both lower and upper case letters and a special character. The allowed special characters are $, ^, &, %, @, +, =

The special characters got me, as my usual one is not included. Now I have to have a unique password just for them... wankers.

W@nk3rs

:p

Damn! I'm going to have to change it again! :rolleyes:

C@nt5

Must be 6 characters...

C@nt5!

Farkin C@nt5

I like it… and very appropriate.

I love it. It’s the media’s way of saying Frank Lampard is bigger than Everton. That’s going to drive their fans crazy. However, it sometimes gets said about PV and Palace and of course I hate it then!

milk tray
What have they done? Why would you want an apple crunch!! It used to be a real treat to get a box of milk tray, not anymore.

Chums of mine who are bang into fitness and exercise drive to their gym even though it's quicker to walk. They also drive their beloved ratdog to the very nearby park. Cocks.

The obvious agenda by the powers that are to make our game last as long as possible. They won't be happy until all 25 players in the squad get a kick about, the games will drag on for three hours and they'll have adverts in between subs. What's next, helmets?
VAR has been a disgrace. It has it's good points, but we all saw at the Liverpool home game that you can't put an idiot in charge of viewing something he hasn't a clue about.
The new fad I'm noticing is the games being held up for someone in the crowd to seek medical attention. Apart from isolated cases in the past, this seems to have all of a sudden been happening at games all around the country.
Now don't get me wrong, I am aware some poor bloke died in the crowd last week and if stopping the game helps save someone life, then great, I'm all for it. But the cynic in me thinks it's happening all too often. When in England recently I got to read the match reports from all the divisions. The amount of games held up for a medical emergency was staggering. How many of them were for some fan who puked up the bad cornish pasty he got in the New Stand or got a bad pint of Steve Browett's Ale in the Glaziers?
How long before Kloppy and Co use this as a tactic. Watch in the future how concussion injuries will go through the roof. There's always been cheating in football, but it's now at a new level. Look at how teams exploited the Co-Vid postponements. Imagine in the future, Liverpool hanging on for dear life in a match. The players look knackered. Klopp texts his mate Hans who is in the crowd. Hans drops to the ground. Game held up for 23 minutes. A refreshed Liverpool hang on.

Knee slide goal celebration for bog average goals bored with it ..do something original

Fans who do ironic whistles to chants they have no comeback to, bore off.

Swimming. I hate swimming. I've never really liked it, but it's only just dawned on me why. Last week, my wife wanted to go swimming, she likes it. She's suffering a bit from anxiety at the moment, so as it was a new (to us) pool, I said I'd go with her. All good no issues. She ploughed up and down for 25 or so lengths. After 6, I was done. I got out and left her to it. My problem is, I don't float. I sink, like a stone. So to me, swimming is an exercise in not drowning. Why would I enjoy that?

Erling Harlaand. Unless he signs for Palace I don't give a shit which club he goes to. BBC site seems obsessed with him.