As in coke or ecstasy?

We had a batting coach on a Sunday, who got into analytics around the time Peter Moores was trying to make Laptop Manager a thing.

The extent of his ‘coaching’ was to remark along the lines of “that’s the seventh time you’ve been out lbw this season” as you trudged back to the club house. Funnily enough, he regularly found himself left out of rounds. :D

Anyone still think Burns is anything but a standard county level player?

Horrendous batsman

He's probably in the England dressing room right now.

I turn my back to post on Memory Lane and now look!! The only reason they didn't get 500 was to declare for a late pop at us and it worked at treat. We are truly dreadful at the 5-day game. This has to be Burns' last test. We simply cannot bat 'properly' any more. The ECB with their obsession with Bish Bash Bosh (aka Beer Matches) are killing test cricket for us.

All we can hope for is to not lose by an innings. So very sad.

Pathetic.

Inevitable to give the new bloke an easy first wicket

Why doesn't Root just open. He faces the new ball every innings anyway.

It is so pathetically obvious.

Would be better off sending in Broad and Anderson to open at this point.

I'll take 30 at this point.

I wouldn't rule out 30 all out tbh!

Two down. "Openers" lasted a combined total of 24 balls. Pathetic. And this track is supposedly a 'road'? Useless gits will be back in before they know it. All over by tea tomorrow?

You know that this is no contest when the Australian weather is getting involved in delaying the game.

Imagine praying for bad weather every England innings, not to salvage a draw, but to just drag a defeat into a 4th day :D

Most explosive thing in an England innings is a bolt of lightning ffs.

Get the Buttler Booster. You won’t catch COVID. You won’t catch anything.

There are probably club cricketers with better technique.

Thing is, we aren't even picking batsmen doing well in the shorter formats. We just aren't giving batsmen like Burns and Hameed regular time to learn their game. The country game is tacked on within the season and not taken seriously enough.

Have said this time and time again. If you play county championship games in early April/May and then late September/October on green wickets and overcast conditions where Darren Stevens is causing carnage bowing at 70mph, how on earth do you expect to produce test quality batsman?!

Good to see Rory Burns improving

Out first ball in the first innings of the first Test he managed to last three balls this time

Well done Rory, continue this improvement and you could survive the first over in the next Test

....but he's from Epsom FFS!

:)

Sorts the kit for batsmen’s and makes sure they are all clean and ready for players.

Hard job that is

Negged for gratuitous dig at Sir Darren.

Probably?

One assumes they’ve all chosen NOT to be professional cricketers then…

Or they went to the wrong school…

Character name in Bewitched wasn't it.
Dick York/Dick Sargeant.

I personally preferred Dick York, but i was seriously in love with Elizabeth Montgomery as a kid.

Back to the cricket:supergrin:

What is Bewitched? I know baywatch….

Back to cricket like Bones says :)

American tv show in the 70’s whereby a mortal male marries a female witch. Great show

Anyone getting up at 4am to watch this?

Nor me.

I’m a huge Kent fan and Darren Stevens is god. He dismissed Labuschagne twice this summer against Glamorgan for a combined score of about 15. Get him in the Ashes side!!!’

No one other than me bothered to watch this morning then!

I did google and also googled Elizabeth Montgomery can’t blame you to be in love.

Yes

I love cricket and always watch it

Hooking s bouncer is a art and Malan done that beautifully

Lyons seems to have Malan always struggling

Pitch looks flat but can we bat is the question.

I know Bones said this will favour spin as days go by and I am now beginning to wonder if root can get 10 wickets

Yup

I’m not a huge cricket fan and appreciate there might be covid measures in place, but is it always that empty in the stadium there?

Looks like a lovely day for it, seems odd to me.

Xmas shopping is Agnews guess. Looks gorgeous. Personally prefer the slightly freezing misty rain that I am going to be standing in watching my son play in about 5 hours ;)

Ha, hope your son wins his game! Perfect conditions for a few slide tackles.

A much needed session win for England. Let’s hope we can do it for another session.

Fantastic resistance and has the potential to match Australia's first innings.

However I cannot shake off the feeling of when will the batting collapse begin ��

Probably now ��

Root gone

Root looked very comfortable but that can happen after a break.

Can the mid order knuckle down, concentrate and be disciplined? There's a body of evidence that suggests not.....

Stop vexing :)

Well we can only hope

Starc is back

Starc strikes

:(

They’ll wrap this up in an hour

The innings or the match? :p

The latter I believe lol

We really are quite pathetic aren’t we.

Clueless more than pathetic.

Playing test match is a art which we don't seem to posses

So disappointing honestly thought the two of them would have reached a partnership in double figures

Pathetic again.

Hopefully that’s the end of Pope as well. He’s so poor.

Butler needs to go the same way as the snicks coming his way - dropped

We won the morning session and no one can take that away from us

We are making Australia look like the team they used to be…which they aren’t

They did start well and the break seemed to make them loose the concentration which is a worry, i do not think the bowling was that exciting, poor shot selection more like it

Gutless.

Buttler is a joke. Shouldn’t be anywhere near the test side but he’s Joe Roots good mate so won’t ever be dropped. The whole setup needs changing from top to bottom.

23 out of 23 catches versus England’s dropping catches habitually

Here is hoping Stokes and Woakes get the 6 more runs needed to make their partnership the second best of the innings so far

Aussie commentators suggesting that Bracey might come in for England. Clueless ****wits.

Made me laugh. Yes

I do think we are now looking at 4 or 5 nil series loss

:D they are as moronic as our cricket team. Neither fit for purpose

Foakes is with the Lions, looks a good bet to replace Buttler. As for Pope, he is still the batsman with most potential behind Root in the team, but Lyon seems to just have his number right now.

They have bloody done it.

Fight back is back on.

Lions have flown home now, haven’t they?

Woakes should be batting 5 and I’m not even joking

I think there maybe some people falling on swords after this series

Absolute shit show.

Pathetic, gutless and throw in a sprinkling of over rated bang average ‘test cricketers’ like Burns, Buttler, Pope and you have a piss poor team.

Worst I can remember for a while. And there’s been some shite ones.

Embarrassing

I thought Foakes was injured and that’s why he wasn’t in the squad. If he is fit then playing Buttler is even more of a joke than I realised.

Jobs for the boys.

Well that just shows how shit our batting line up is then.

Pretty sure he played and performed for the Lions last week, so I assume he's fit and in some kind of form. If he's gone home and JB is next in line it says everything about this tour. Pathetic.

Foakes came back late last season and is playing for the Lions. Not sure if they have gone home though.

Yep

Feels like we’re at the point the England Rugby team we’re a year or so ago. Time to get rid of the old guard and under performers like Buttler and Bairstow and Burns and even Broad, and just start again with some young hungry players. Not easy I know but this is just utter gash

They played Australia A last week and lost by 112 runs.

England were bowled out for 103 & 347.

Foakes got 73 and Bracey 112 in the 2nd innings

The bowling was pretty average Bess got spanked around the park.

I wake up to severe case of déjà vu - again?? Nothing short of pathetic. Both already openers gone for a total of 10 (yes TEN); come on guys, surely one of you can make double figures? a minor rally from two who can actually bat, 150-2, looking decent, then - shock, horror - 4 more down for 19!!

Stokes is probably still trying to get back into the groove, but the others? Jos Buttler belongs nowhere near the test team; can't bat, can't catch. But there is no-one to replace them. Well done, ECB you and your brainless persuits have killed English test cricket. Bish Bash BOSH!!.

72 runs to avoid the follow-on as I type. Or, if we do, a session and a bit for the Aussies to amass more that we are likely to score. I don't even want rain to rescue us. We simply don't deserve it. RIP English Test Cricket :(

Oh, last but not least, well played Aussies. Showing us how it should be done - again.

Just finished my rant/lament and another one goes :D

8 down

That will teach me not to nip off to the Away Fans End!! :D

I think so. Need to start planning for the future with a better constructed county championship. New captain, new coaching team, pick youngsters and stick with them. Batters with sound techniques, a keeper who can catch, and bowlers with something different about them (Parkinson and Mahmood). But we also seem to have a mental issue when playing the Aussies. They are an OK team, but nothing special. I think most of us on here would agree that, but we always seem to make them look like world beaters.

Final collapse due before we reach double-nelson.

Agree with all that. A lesser factor is that the Aussies are always fired up. Oh for a tiny part of that in our ranks. One or two players cannot carry the team. Dead wood has to go this winter.

I have got used to England wickets falling like bikes in a cycle rack - one goes they all go

The good news is it stops at 10

The bad news is it then starts all over again

The real aim of the series now has to be avoiding a whitewash. It's difficult to think of any word other than pathetic to describe us right now.

Ben doing his Rambo act :lux:

Hmmm…

Good jinxing mate :D

Up to Broady then :D (No breath being held....)

Yep, for sure. Sadly I thought a whitewash was on the cards before we agreed to tour (big mistake, should have used the covid excuse). But more because of the inferiority complex we have when playing the Aussies in Tests. They are also so much more professional than us, no need for them to even sledge or cheat this time either :D.

Indeed, it is pathetic.

Come on, Jimmy!!!!!

He has already faced twice as many balls as Burns - maybe he should open?

Me and thee could face more balls than that useless chuffer

I delayed looking at the score this morning through dread. Might not bother in future.

Cricket Australia considering 2025/26 Ashes consisting only of 3 Tests. They feel they can get someone like Bangladesh in for a proper contest after.
Seriously though, an uncompetitive Ashes is just another nail in Test Cricket's coffin. Globally it's only got about 10 years to go. Who's going to pay the subscription money for so many forgone conclusions?